Follow up to "If Only"

Well…I'm no longer wondering about what could have happened with that kid I liked back in high school. He came down to Provo on Saturday, and we watched the Hobbit.  It was fun, and I still think he has an amazing singing voice (he played a couple of his original songs before the movie), but I have my answer as to what would have happened -- nothing.  He doesn't respect my religion, he's too sarcastic. Honestly, I think what would have happened is the same thing as if Alex and I actually started dating - -would've been fun at first, but then too many personality quirks would have gotten on my nerves and I would've ended things. Anyway…just thought I'd write an update.  No song today, sorry. :/

Confused

I feel so lost right now
Betrayed by friends
Set adrift in the sea of life
Who can I turn to?

There is one who is always there
One who may be far away,
But listens to every word I say
Sometimes I may question His existence

But there is no doubt right now
That He's as real as you and me
He is there, and loves me dearly
And though confused, I'll turn to Him

He provides me with clarity
Helps me see my purpose
And who I'm meant to be
Through this confusion I'm facing

I can't control her or him
But I can control me
I see the light, and what's right
And I will not be moved

I feel quite hurt right now
I don't know what to do
And feel so alone
But I know He's there

He will always be there
So when you feel confused
Or so lost you won't be found
Turn to Him, He's always there.


Not what I was expecting. But it works.  And it helped provide me with answers to questions that I have. And in the end, that's all I want from my writing.

If Only

So a friend told me to let down my walls and think outside the lines.  It's hard for me to do that though cuz I don't want to get hurt. But…I feel like I should own my content. Not sure if you'll ever see this, but if you do…I meant what I said. You didn't lead me on. But I still wonder what would have happened had you not transferred schools.  So this is my way of dealing with the fact that I'll never know.  Also -- I know this is awkward, but please don't ignore me. I still want to be friends. So please don't cut me off.  To the love of my life..I love you with all my heart. I really do. But you're gone, and sometimes the saudade is too much and our retrouvailles seems forever away and sometimes I wonder…forgive me please?

It feels like just the other day
We were in class together
Years have since gone by
I've forgotten most of who/what happened then
But for some reason we still talk
Still joke about our different schools


And now I can't help but wonder
What would have happened?
Had you not gone away, but rather stayed
Not sure we would've worked out
But I still can't help thinking
If only we could find out

Now I'm down south
And you're up north
But our love for music and sci-fi
Somehow keeps us connected
Though now I wonder why
You have her, I have him..why even try?

But I still can't help but wonder
What would have happened?
Had you not gone away, but rather stayed
Not sure we would've worked out
But I still can't help thinking
If only we could find out

If only.

One of my worst songs..but I just needed to get the words out.

Silent Tears

I was sitting in my room today
Talking with my mom
Not sure what to say
I felt she was judging me
Once again controlling
Who I am, who I need to be

I'm feeling better now
but can't help but wish
That where was a way, somehow
That you could have been there
Could have held me close
As you stroked my hair

[Chorus]
I hate that you're not here
Reaching out to empty air
Crying silent tears
Wishing that your hand was there

 This was not the first time
I suffered alone
Wishing that the tarnished dime
Left solitary on the floor
If tossed into a well
Could open the future's door

Two and a half years
But your departure, not homecoming
seems much more near
It's only been 6 weeks
and yet I wish I could
into the future peek

[Chorus]

I know that I should not despair
It'll seem but a blink of an eye
before you're once more there
And so this thought gives me hope
And keeps me going
when I want to mope

I'll love you forever and always
Through all of my life
Through all of my days
And look forward to the day
When we'll no longer depart
But only together stay

I know that you'll be here
Filling all the empty air
Wiping away the silent tears
I'll grab your hand that's now here

I know that you'll be here,
Wiping away my silent tears.

Waiting

So my boyfriend is currently serving a mission in Eugene, Oregon, and I won't see him again until November 2015, when I get back from my mission. I still get to hear from him in a weekly e-mail, but it's not nearly the same. So this song describes what it's like waiting for him.

It's been a month
since we last spoke
Since I heard your voice
say that you love me

Sure, you've written
but it's just not the same
I want your arms around me
and your lips on mine

I want to just sit
and while away the hours
Talking about everything
and about nothing too.

I hate all those times
When something happens
And I just want to tell you
But remember I can't

You are my other half
The Hebrew ezer knegdo
A perfect help meet
For all my problems

I know that time will fly
and we'll be back
together very soon
But still I'm waiting

Waiting for you.


Not what I first had in mind. But it works. More a poem than a song though. Ya..

Alone

So today I was going through some random crap I wrote a while ago and stumbled across this.  I actually really like it. I just wish I could remember why I wrote it. I don't remember ever feeling depressed like this. I honestly don't actually know if I'm the one who wrote it or had it e-mailed to me. But i had it saved and everything..i must have written it.

Walking through the halls

I see the countless numbers

Of those who,

Once upon a time,

I counted among my friends.

I see them turn their heads

And walk past without a word

Cut off from the world

I wish I could disappear

I feel so alone right now

Shunned by those once trusted

There’s no going back

What’s lost cannot be found. 

Sitting in class is the worst. 

Once I was surrounded

Well-liked, even loved

What I wouldn’t give

To have that again

Now, I’m a deserted island

In an ocean of desks

A forgotten oasis

In the desert of life. 

I’m left alone, abandoned

Emptiness stretches on forever

I wish I could understand

But there is no answer

The ache consumes me

My chest feels empty

My eyes fill with tears

As I think of the past

And I’m forced to ask

What went wrong?  

What would make so many

Walk past, and just leave me here

Alone

If Tomorrow Were Today...

So I was talking with my boyfriend the other day, about what we'd want to have happen if we were both already back from our missions.  Ever since then, this phrase, "If tomorrow were today", was been stuck in my head.  Not sure if I can do anything with this, but might as well try...

If tomorrow were today
What would you try to say
Would you say you want me here
As you whisper in my ear

Would we spend our days together
Would you love me above all others
I would promise you my heart
And swear we'd never be apart

If tomorrow were today
Oh what I'd wish you'd say
I always want you here
Never far but always near

Can't tell you what you mean to me
I can only hope that in my eyes you'll see
The truth of how much I love you
And yes, I promise that it's true

If tomorrow were today
How would we spend this day
Would it be just you and me?
We'd sit under a tree

Oh, if tomorrow were today
Please promise you'd stay
don't want to let you go
Cuz I love you so.


Well.....it's a work in progress. Still...for 30 minutes, not bad. :P

Shattered

If anyone's been following my other blogs, you'll know I've been going through a really rough time this week.  Not sure if I can put it into words, but I'll figured I need to try. Writing songs generally proves to be therapeutic for me.

You ask me what I see
When I look in your eyes
I say that I see love
You say you see the same

That was just weeks ago
But now everything's changed
Last week was the first hint
You kissed her, didn't text me.


Now I'm falling apart
Why did I give my heart
To one so wrong for me
And dream of what could be?
Now my heart's been shattered
And sorry won't fix it.

Monday it all started
beginning of the end
You said you're over me
Then turned and lied 'bout her.

Then the very next night
I went and talked to her
Not realizing that I'd hear
Betrayal, lies, and more.



Now I'm falling apart
Why did I give my heart
To one so wrong for me
And dream of what could be?
Now my heart's been shattered
And sorry won't fix it.


I'm glad she didn't lie
She has integrity
Unlike some I could name
This time, realize you have

Somone too good for you
But who's there regardless
Even though you can't be mine,
Please swear you'll treat her right.

That you won't tear her apart
Hope she didn't give her herat
To one so wrong for her
and dreams of what could be
Hope her heart won't shatter
So that sorry can't fix it.



You don't deserve her. She's too good for you. But for some reason she likes you.  I hope this time you can see a good thing when you've got it.  But if it doesn't work out...don't come running to me. Because I won't let you break my heart again.  I was determined to win you back, but now...why would I want someone who basically flaunts the fact that he's moved on? Why would I want someone who lied about moving on? Why would I want you?  So good luck. I wish you the best. But don't come crying to me if your track record comes back to bite you.